statement of purpose, please help me with it, i welcome any change, thank you!?

Question

As an international Chinese student in the United States, I believe that I have a great deal of business, academic, social, and cultural experience that will allow me to fit in well and contribute to the international flavor of Lund University.
One of my most distinguishing characteristics is the diversity of experiences I possess. I am a business student with a flair for the arts. I am a woman with technical aptitude and an interest in entreprenership. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world. All these elements have given me a very broad outlook, with varying degrees of knowledge in a range of topics. I strongly believe that although some are not related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work.
My Business degree has given a strong foundation to my analytical skills since business issues research involves a lot of complex and intricate relationships among parties who are aiming at different goals, and the application of basic math, communication and psychology skills. Over the past four years in college, I have been working part-time with my own business, Shining SIM Card, set up when I just became a college student. I was the president of student government and am also an active member with SSE - Siemens Solar Energy. I have assisted my father in his project to supervise and monitor the process in his company during my breaks. More than what I have studied in school and college, it has been these experiences that have shaped the person that I am today.
I believe that this unique blend of experiences has made me a woman with an original point of view. This blend has given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for. Among other things, I have this diversity of experience to offer Lund University. My most substantial accomplishment has been the success of Shining SIM Card that I managed in Dalian, China, where I have been working as a manager since 2005.
Entreprenership, as a field, had always fascinated me right from my middle school days, and being an entrepreneur to contribute its utilities to mankind is the life long dream and career objective I persue, it is worthy to devote energy and commitment to found my own business and lead it success. Shining SIM Card, my first big step on my enterprise career, compared with prior experience, grew up from only one employee to fifteen, the main consumers from one campus were enlarged to other 6 big universities and also some small schools of the local city when I graduated. Most of my customers were college students, as a student myself, it was easy for me to do surveies, to know the popular tastes, and the most impressing way to promote the business with very limited resources. The advertisement form developped from hand writing poster on wall to big colorful advertisement scroll and products propaganda for freshmen annually. The goal for advertisement is let 60% of the students consider my products first when they are about to purchase, and let them to introduce us to the rest 40%. Also I had an online sale shop for the convenience of customers, which has been in operation for 5 years.
Run my own business required me to believe in myself and in what I thought was good for the company. I had to take a pro-active approach, take the initiative and play a leadership role in motivating people and executing events to completion. A good manager is one who can figure out where problem lies and may happen, deal with it effectively by involving all the members of the company and improve the overall culture of the company. The problems I saw at Shining SIM Card had to be resolved to sustain the company. The fact that I was able to pull off this task alone has boosted my confidence in my abilities.
The business climate has never been more friendly toward entrepreneurship than it is today. However, enterprise and creativity alone are rarely sufficient to bring an entrepreneur's ideas to fruition. Though, venturing off into Entrepreneurship is a challenge, one which I think some formal education can help solidify and provide a stronger foundation for success. So that leads me to my application for an entreprenership program at Lund University, and I wish to develop an idea based on research from Lund University, during the master year.

Answer 1

I sent you an email. I am trying again now to submit some changes to you.



As an international Chinese student in the United States, I believe that I have a great deal of business, academic, social, and cultural experience that will allow me to fit in well and contribute to the international flavor of Lund University.



One of my most distinguishing characteristics is the diversity of experiences I possess. I am a business student with a flair for the arts. I am a woman with technical aptitude and an interest in entrepreneurship. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world. All these elements have given me a very broad outlook, with varying degrees of knowledge in a range of topics. I strongly believe that although some are not related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work.

My Business degree has given a strong foundation to my analytical skills since business issues research involves a lot of complex and intricate relationships among parties who are aiming at different goals, and the application of basic math, communication and psychology skills. Over the past four years in college, I have been working part-time with my own business, Shining SIM Card, set up when I became a college student. I was the president of student government and am also an active member with SSE - Siemens Solar Energy. I have assisted my father in his project to supervise and monitor the process in his company during my breaks. More than what I have studied in school and college, it has been these experiences that have shaped the person that I am today.

I believe that this unique blend of experiences has made me a woman with an original point of view. This blend has given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life as well as a worthwhile goal. Among other things, I have this diversity of experience to offer Lund University. My most substantial accomplishment has been the success of Shining SIM Card that I managed in Dalian, China, where I have been working as a manager since 2005.

Entrepreneurship, as a field, had always fascinated me, even during my middle school days, and being an entrepreneur to contribute its utilities to mankind is the lifelong dream and career objective I pursue. It is worthwhile to devote energy and commitment to found my own business and lead it to success. Shining SIM Card, my first big step in my enterprise career, grew up from one employee to fifteen; the main consumers, from one campus to six large universities and small schools in the city from where I graduated. Most of my customers were college students; as a student myself, it was easy for me to do surveys as well as to know popular tastes and the most impressive way to promote the business with very limited resources. The advertisement form developed from handwritten posters on walls to big colorful advertisement scrolls and products propaganda for freshmen annually. The goal for advertisement is let 60% of the students consider my products first when they are about to purchase, and let them to introduce us to the rest 40%. (The previous sentence is not quite clear.) Also I have an online sale shop for the convenience of customers, which has been in operation for 5 years.

Running my own business required me to believe in myself and in what I thought was good for the company. I had to take a proactive approach, take the initiative, and play a leadership role in motivating people and executing events to completion. A good manager is one who can figure out where problems lie and what may happen, dealing with it effectively by involving all members of the company and improving the business's overall culture. The problems I saw at Shining SIM Card had to be resolved to sustain the company. The fact that I was able to pull off this task alone has boosted my confidence in my abilities.

The business climate has never been more friendly toward entrepreneurship than it is today. However, enterprise and creativity alone are rarely sufficient to bring an entrepreneur's ideas to fruition. Though venturing off into entrepreneurship is a challenge, some formal education can help solidify and provide a stronger foundation for success. That leads me to my application for an (the?) entrepreneurship program at Lund University, and I wish to develop an idea based on my research at the University, during the master year.

Answer 2

That's really amazing, I think you have expressed yourself excellently and you demonstrate a broad and diverse range of skills, which you convey very well. Your English, I have to say, is excellent.



The only mistake was you said 'run my own business' (12 lines from the bottom) and it should be 'running' but apart from that its perfect.



Also 4 lines from the bottom you say 'venturing off into' whereas i would just say 'venturing into'.



Very best of luck, but judging by that I'm sure you will be accepted =)

Answer 3

I think, the purpose of the fast or the upavaas is to make the being conscious about the desires and illusions of the mind and this in turn is going to make the being aware of the reality of the true self.